I should be dead by now
It was Friday the 23rd of March 2007…I was in my sleep when I realized that it is approximately 6 pm and I did not pray El Asr…so I woke up after sleeping more than 3 hours to wash my face…I smelt gas…”oh my god – GAS “…I went to the kitchen to find out that the oven is leaking gas for maybe 3 hours now…I called my mother immediately to come to the kitchen but I got no answer…I ran to her room and asked her to come quickly ( I had this sudden bad feeling that my mother is dead because she is not answering me )…at the same time the mobile phone was ringing in the kitchen…I took the phone and threw it in my bed room…I did not answer… I was afraid it could bring the place to a big explosion…the phone rang again…it was my mother’s best friend…she told my mother that her husband has died in a car accident while driving back to Cairo from Sharm El Sheikh…they have 4 little girls…we opened all the windows and doors in our house to make sure some air comes in and may push the gas outside…I looked to my mother and told her anxiously “ we should be dead by now – alhamdulellah “
I never thought death comes in silence…death has no warning…death has no signs…I do not understand why I always hear that people who really die get the feeling of death before they die…I did not feel anything…my ( supposed to be last ) day seemed normal…but when I start to remember the day before and what I have done…I figured out that it is not the way or the day I wished to be dead - with its circumstances…it is not the first time to deal with my final destination…you know what I mean Miko
It is Thursday 22/3/2007…I woke up and I have to go to college…I am lying in my bed and I am very tired…I think I will skip this day and watch TV while eating my breakfast…cappuccino bongiorno with vanilla and toast with Nutella…my mobile is ringing…X is surprisingly on the other line telling me he is in Egypt and wants to meet me today…we haven’t seen each other for more than a year now…we are arranging a meeting in a Qahwa Baladi near Tahrir Square...it is 7 pm…he is smoking Shisha while telling me everything he did without me…we both do not want to talk about our last conflict that brought us apart…I am happy that I have the opportunity to see him again…I am telling the story of my life too…the ups and downs…the breakup with my girlfriend that just happened the day before…how I am in a miserable condition right now…in the middle of our conversation I go outside to call Chico back…Chico is my ex best friend( we did not talk since 2001…every year I see him only 1 time in The November Bazaar )…” I want to apologize that I can not see you today Chico, maybe tomorrow “
Unfortunately I did not wake up for El Fagr prayer (mmm…why today in particular...why???)…I went to the lesson and was so tired that I lied to the teacher and told him that I had a very important appointment after the Friday prayer…he tried to make me change my mind and stay by telling me that he will finish quickly after the prayer…I went to a mosque in this new area where the man was telling us about the beauty of paradise and what we should do to go to heaven…the weather was very bad and I took a taxi to bring me home…the phone was ringing as I entered my room…it was the teacher telling me that he is very sad and angry because I did not come to hear the other part of the private lesson…he thought I did not like his teaching and I will not come again …I told him I am very sorry , I will come next time ( I can’t believe that the teacher has left his students in the room waiting just to call me )…I had a big fight with my mother after this call…my mother was telling me that I am a bad person and that everyone hates me ( the new teacher for example)…she did not know why I was so depressed the last 2 weeks…she did not know that I had a girlfriend and that she broke up with me because of no reason…she did not know that I have met X and what it means to me …she did not know that I was experiencing intense stress the last days…that I did not know what to do next in my life…she did not know that this was the reason I did so bad in the exam the day before yesterday…and she did not know that this bizarre communication could have been the last
I went to sleep…my mother went to cook the fish-although I told her that I was not hungry…my mother went to sleep…we both slept for 3 hours not knowing that the gas is filling our apartment…all the windows were closed because of the bad weather…this was the perfect death condition for both of us…this could have been the last sleep in my life…this should have been the end of me…and ironically my last blogging post should have been called “choke*”
2 comments:
Oh... it's too late when we realize that we should start our lives. what is more important is that we do realize this, & live the life we should actually be living. Thanks to God you're still alive & good luck in your new life, hope you'll not miss it again.
& thanks for the meaningfull post
I always have a feeling that i'm gonna die in a car accident ... dunno y. I can count 3 times i could have ended dead in a terrible car accident but el7amdullelah i didn't. Two weeks ago i was crossing the street - on foot- and a car came out of nowhere directly INTO me. it hit me and i leaned forward placing both my hands on it's front part to prevent my body from falling backwards. It was probably a fraction of a second ... but seemed to me - in a strange slow motion, movie style shot - it was 10 min. You know the famous ciche "i felt all my life passed infront of me"? ... that was it! i kept shaking for the rest of the day ... it was not a grave accident, but the feeling really shaked me! Subhannallah ... it is moments like this when u feel you r soooooo small, and your life is sooooo short.
Thanks for the post, may you enjoy a long happy life for many years to come inshaa'Allah
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